The Jewish Press:
How Do You Deal With Betrayal?
Rabbi Dr. Chaim Tureff


How do you deal with betrayal and a shock to the system? When we get married we come in with a certain set of expectations. There is a famous saying that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. Yet everyone has expectations. My wife is going to smile and greet me like a Disney Princess every time I walk in the door and say yes to whatever I think. My husband will love to do chores with me, will remember small details that only a computer can remember and will never leave the toilet seat up. These are reasonable expectations but the more pertinent ones such as safety, security, warmth, love and honesty are taken for granted. Of course these things will be a part of the marriage. But what happens when honesty and safety are not part of the marriage?
In the observant community, divorce has been on the rise as it has been in the secular world. Yet for years issues within the outside world, such as a sharp rise in addictive behaviors, was seen as something that narrowly impacted the observant world. Within the observant community, there was a feel of invisibility and that was something that other communities have dealt with. Even with Rabbi Dr. Twersky's acceptance of the 12 Steps, the advent of Tag, Guard Your Eyes and other programs geared towards the observant community, there is still a serious issue of addictive behaviors. Whether it is alcohol, gambling, eating, looking at inappropriate images or issues dealing with intimacy among other addictive behaviors, no community has gone untouched.
One of the issues that has plagued society as a whole is with inappropriate images. With the advent of the smartphone and everyone having a personal device, there is no shortage of opportunities to go astray. It is this start that can break down honesty, warmth, and love within the marriage. Imagine you marry someone that you trust and the last thing you are worried about is their ability to be faithful. Under the chuppah you were filled with thoughts and dreams of a happier tomorrow. Yet you notice that they withdraw from you. They seem uninterested in you. They are preoccupied with other things. Unfortunately this happens way too often within the observant community. The spouse is looking at inappropriate images which takes them to an unrealistic view and expectation of their spouse. There is a natural curiosity that humans have. At the same same time there are boundaries and expectations that a spouse has for their partner. Too many times men are seeing inappropriate images and they then transfer these expectations onto their wives.
There are many issues that come up including Torah commandments dealing with looking at inappropriate materials (which is for a different article) and the ensuing shame the person looking at the materials feels (also another article). And then husbands expect their wives to live up to an expectation of something that is not real and exploitative at the same time. As I tell husbands that I work with, it would be like your wife seeing you everyday when you return from work and thinking how you are not Bill Gates or Sheldon Adelson. If only you could bring that type of money home things would be better. Or if they are watching a show that shows a certain lifestyle and they are disappointed every time they see you because you can't buy them a boat, a mansion, a plane, etc. Besides that, this is not the essence of why we are put here, it is an unrealistic expectation. It will always lead to disappointment and hurt. And the spouse did nothing to deserve this type of pain. Where do we go from here? We'll take a look next time at how to start the process to eliminate this issue within the marriage.